by Christopher M. Montalbano
The United States Department of Homeland Security (DHS) said today that the Bogeyman is the greatest threat to the security of America's children.
At a press conference today DHS spokesman Ernest Konnyu stated "The academic criminal justice community, the law enforcement community, and the policy world have spent decades studying the Bogeyman phenomenon," and added that the rapid increase of unsolved child disappearances over the last decade is alarming. He said "The consensus of the experts is that the Bogeyman exists, and that he poses an unacceptable risk to the entire human race. If this trend continues to accelerate, as the computer models predict, by 2099 no human child will reach the age of 10 before disappearing. This will mean the end of humanity."
Konnyu said that this "long overdue" finding on the part of the DHS will now authorize the department to take steps under the Patriot Act to address the threat. As a first measure, the DHS may command all state and local law enforcement bodies to enforce a dusk-to-dawn curfew for all U.S. residents except government employees. "If you're out there after sundown, you might be the Bogeyman" said Konnyu. Another proposed measure is the installation of audio/video surveillance in all private homes to ensure that all the children are washing behind their ears, not speaking bad words, and saying their prayers so that the Bogeyman won't get them. Under the proposed regulation parents who fail to control their children properly would pay fines and forfeit the custody of their children to the state.
This announcement comes coincidentally on the opening day of the UN-sponsored Conference Of National Groups Against Monsters and Evil in Salem, Massachusetts. Conference chairman Prof. Alfred Falschangst of the University of Narrstadt, Germany welcomed the statement. "It is wonderful news that the U.S. will aggressively fight the Bogeyman," he said "but more must be done. The ideal approach would be for all governments to take custody of all children between the ages of 3 and 12. Only then could they be reliably protected from this danger."
Conference delegate Prof. Miguel Aterrar of La Universidad de la Santa Inquisicion in Ciudad de los Mentirosos, Spain, also greeted the announcement with approval. He said: "This declaration by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security will surely be the last nail in the coffin of the Bogeyman deniers."
Attempts to contact Bogeyman skeptics for comment have so far yielded no results. All prominent skeptics have apparently disappeared, and no trace of their whereabouts has yet been found. When asked about this, a high-level DHS officer expressed the opinion that they are probably just hiding from the Bogeyman.