Friday, July 3, 2009

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Source: Humanists Of Utah

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  1. This is the same God that people die in the name of. All the nonsense wars in the name of a religion that is literally ridiculous. Yet people try so hard to make them work by making their own versions, omitting the parts that seem less favorable, and somehow feeling like a better person after words. Knocking on doors, missions, and all other forms of advertising to shove this nonsense down peoples throats all around the world. But the sheep will run in herds and always manage to fuck it up for the rest of us. Hope you all go to heaven.

  2. Never met a Canadian I could trust. Who in teir right mind would want one? Clones of Judas all of them, except me. Carnival and Halloween every day. Tickets five bucks, no refunds. Odds of winning 1 in 30,898,744 good luck, hope you win.

  3. The entire article is blasphemous - too bad, you have it listed as your TOP selection and preface it with "it's funny as well as informative." It isn't either. What it is, however, is a deceitful rant using biblical instruction out of context to make a point to readers otherwise spiritually unaware. Shame on you. And for readers who continue in their Biblical ignorance, the shame then is shifted to you.

  4. Ok then. How are we supposed to read these bible passages in context?

  5. Really I researched the passages pointed out in "Why can't I own a Canadian" in serveral different versions of the bible. They are satirized but are not taken out of context. They mean what they say even in context. Give it a try. Look it up.

  6. I agree. I've looked up a few of these and there is no context to apply. They mean what they say. Although I will add that there is a long unspoken tradition among many christians that we can sort of just ignore anything that comes out of Leviticus. (as long as we don't talk about it).

  7. Anonymous DEC 6TH. You sound like a typical judgemental blind religious sheep. Believing a STORY that was written as a means of population control thousands of years ago. I truly feel sorry for you, and the millions like you who blindly follow religion simply because you are SCARED.